Mortality... What can I do?

The loss of a parent is difficult at best, Both mine are gone and my wife is currently dealing with the sudden loss of her fater just a few weeks ago. Having your affairs in order will make it much easier during a stressfull time of grieving.

But, didn't you say your dad as 75 and he married a 45yr old woman? Aside from some paperwork, I'd say he's set.

Tim said:

LIVING Will....not the Will where “things” are addressed, make sure they have a LIVING WILL that clearly defines what THEY want for end of life care.

Do they want to be full code, all measures life support to eek out every last second on earth...or are they more concerned with quality of those last days and will trade “more” days for “better” days? Either is a valid choice, but make it THEIR choice so YOU aren’t faced with making the call while narcissistic docs are telling you that heart surgery on a 97 year old is a good idea...

Palliative Care specialists or even the family doc can help get that ball rolling.

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Working in healthcare, this is a biggie.
We have so many very elderly pt.'s coming in who are "full code", and when they finally die, we spend 45 mins-hour breaking all their ribs trying to get them maybe a couple hours or days of extra life which is spent in horrible shape, on a ventilator, unconscious. No one has explained to them what a code status is our what it entails. Or worse, some random family member who hasn't seen them in 30 years shows up and demands "every thing possible" be done to keep them alive. If you're ultimately responsible for seeing their wishes are carried out, make sure they have advanced directives and you have a healthcare power of attorney.

Every one is mentioning a will, which is good, but if you think end of life is coming, start working now to streamline the process if they'll let you. When my wife's grandmother was nearing the end, we went ahead and put her property in the name of the people who were going to receive it anyway, and started cleaning out her house. It doesn't seem like much, but when you're already grieving, it's a daunting task to have to clean out and put in order a whole house/farm/property.

Grits said:

I have a letter I found in a book I bought at a Good Will store. It was a letter from a sister to her brother about what their belief systems were.

In the letter she relates part of the eulogy that David Reagan gave for his father Ronald Reagan on his death.

David said that the best gift that you could ever give your family is to "let your family know where you are going to spend eternity." Ronald gave that gift to his family.

For each of you that read this I sincerely hope that you have done this for your families.

I know several nurses that will tell you that believers have peace as they pass and others have been heard to start screaming to get their feet out if the fire.

Please make sure that spiritual affairs are taken care of also. I can relate other stories of people experiencing the after life to know that it is real.

Sent from my SM-J320V using Tapatalk

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I've seen this first hand. I had an elderly man eat up with cancer when asked if there was anything I could do for him before I left his room tell me "Son, I'm just ready to go see Jesus".
The other side of the coin. Had a 20-30 yr old pt succumbing to heart failure due to drug abuse. As the doctor was counseling them about end of life care they were screaming and coming out of the bed. I have never seen someone so terrified.

Button Pusher said:

Just want to add if dad was in the military he can have military funeral honors if he wants it.

What can also help is for parents to make a video on what their wishes are to go with their wills.
If my folks did this it would have put a stop to a three year legal battle with one sister
who my folks left her $1. in their wills. We spent $40K in estate legal bill and I had to pay $36K.

They say you can't contest a will, sure you can, will you win, no not really but you will
force the estate to spend big money defending the will. Settlement lawyers, 'don't worry, I'll get you something'.

Good estate attorney is needed, should you enter a nursing home medicare has so many things including caps on life insurance policies.
There is also a five year lookback, they want to see where the money went.

My Aunt is going into a home this weekend, her live in cost her $3K a month to the agency,
all documented for the last seven years, the home will cost $4K a month and medicare will start when the money
is gone in about 10 months. Her duplex will be sold shortly.

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The place my mom is in is $10k a month! I sure would like to find one that is $4k.

Well Folks, I am at the other end of the conversation. All your advice seems spot on to me. I thank God I have RS.

Schattenreiter said:

Not all of them. My dad died out of the blue at 55. Totally unexpected. Mom lived into her 80's. She worked for an attorney and had all her affairs in order. She transferred the house to me and my brother long enuff ahead of time that had she needed to go into a home the state couldn't touch it. She did go into one but only lived for a month. You shoulda seen the guys face at Duke when we were getting her transferred back home when he found out the house belonged to us and it had for a long time.

Her funeral arrangements were made and paid for. All we had to do was show up. She really made it easy for us.


To answer you question coastie talk to them. Tell them you love them. Let them know how you feel before it is too late. Find out how they feel if you don't already know( I hope you already know). Heal any old wounds if you can. Create some new memories with them while there is still time. In short just love them and the time you have left with them.

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Both of mine are still here, both not in the best health, one with alzheimers, neither will take any steps to make any arrangements for end of life.

I found this in my dad's stuff. I wish I had gotten to ask him about this, to see if he had KP duty because of it. You never know what gems are hidden in the past if you don't ask about them. BTW, my dad had quite a nose on him, so this could have been brewing for a while.

Handling death is a personal thing. You can read, study, converse and worry yourself to the point of making yourself sick. I worked at Forsyth hospital for 23 years, was an EMT and on a medical disaster team. Like others above that work in a medical field, whether giving direct care or not,,you see all facets of survivors handling bad things. I often heard "his or her death was unexpected", I call bull shit. I saw others that had their collective shit in order and moved on with helping others that went to pieces. Everyone's death should be expected, especially for us folks that have more heartbeats behind us than we have in front of us. You don't have to dwell on the fact but once you realize that as far as we know no one is immortal I think you will be better off.

The key is for people to get their shit in order so that the survivors can grieve without all the chaos and confusion making things worse. Pulling out pieces of paper that are signed and sealed by the decedent makes a bad situation better. I made damn sure that's what happened with my parents and me and Chicken Lady have done it for our young'uns. I pretty much had nothing to do with my dad after he became an alcoholic for 20 years and mentally abused the shit out of my mom. When he died, mom pulled out the papers, took care of the problems and moved on. My mom was diabetic and had stage 4 kidney disease when she went into a care facility, she knew she was dying and also knew that her medical needs could not be met by me and Chicken Lady. I had to make the call to withhold life support. I told the attending to open the drip WAO, no pain. When she died I pulled out the papers and moved on. I am not a griever (except for dogs I've had to put down), I believe that shit happens and I move on. That doesn't mean that I'm an asshole (even though I am) it means I handle shit the way I handle it.

Luckily I didn't have any brothers and sisters or asshole relatives to give me a ration of shit about wills and stuff like that. Again, this is where the pieces of paper do their job. Properly drawn up papers will help save the good kids from their greedy ass siblings and other relatives.

One of these days I'm going to have a DNR tattooed to my chest to take the guessing away from anybody having stuff to do with me getting out of here in peace. Pull the tubes, pull the plug, put me in the furnace and move the hell on. No funerals, no viewing (as if anyone would want to view my ugly ass). If you want to party have a bunch of Woodstock era and shagging music and Crown Royal going and have a blast. If those rules aren't followed I am going to haint the hell out of some folks. My grandson wants to load some shotgun shells with my ashes and give me a shotgun salute. I like the way he thinks...............

Edited to add, if you have parents or relatives that do not want to do anything to help you through the process there is no use to pushing it. It will cause bad will and you'll just make them pissed off. In the end you will have to get an attorney anyway and go through probate. Again, just accept it and move on.

I'm with REELDOC, told my wife to donate my dead body to the medical school and let them have at it.
My folks did good with their wills but should have made the video to backup their written instructions.

My dad died when I was 8; my mom, 13 years ago. Being in healthcare and the military, I have seen my share; some of it peaceful, some of it traumatic and ugly. Being a Christian I do not fear death.

I want to be cremated and ashes scatted at sea by a Naval ship. I wanted to be buried at sea but my wife would have none of it.

My wife, who was a hospice and healthcare social worker, and I have all the requisite paperwork: wills, living wills, POAs, HCPOAs, all of it.

Three weeks ago today I was worried I was going to lose my Mama after a terrible head on collision on her way to work. Luckily after hours of worry she only had a few broken bones. A few days after the wreck I started talking to her a little bit about the what if’s and still need to talk about the paperwork that can be done now. I’m taking her to a follow up appointment next week and will have time for that conversation then. If things would have turned out differently my brother likely wouldn’t have much to offer and the majority would fall on my wife and I.

If you guys don't have a plan, I will, a healthcare power of attorney, get it done. Now. Now.

My brother-in-law's brother, at 55 years old, had a little dizziness and some head pressure. Scan shows a large mass. Gets admitted for biopsy, after the biopsy there is uncontrollable bleeding. dies the next day. He had nothing done. He was single, but did not have a plan or a document.

dman24 said:

Three weeks ago today I was worried I was going to lose my Mama after a terrible head on collision on her way to work. Luckily after hours of worry she only had a few broken bones. A few days after the wreck I started talking to her a little bit about the what if’s and still need to talk about the paperwork that can be done now. I’m taking her to a follow up appointment next week and will have time for that conversation then. If things would have turned out differently my brother likely wouldn’t have much to offer and the majority would fall on my wife and I.

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YEP I know that story all to well. I'm the youngest of 4 live 6 hours away and my dad wants me to do everything. My brother and sisters are users that take everything they can. I can't even give my dad cash because he will just give it to the other kids when they "need" something.

charliesgrave said:

If you're ultimately responsible for seeing their wishes are carried out, make sure they have advanced directives and you have a healthcare power of attorney.

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My mother turned all that stuff over to me fairly early on, and had signed a DNR....that was a tough one for me to deal with, as in later years she was in the hospital a lot. But we all knew her wishes, and we carried them out. I've made my wishes known to my family as well.