Don's joke thread

An old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000. Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
 
Last edited:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because the Sex Ed class uses it on Tuesday and Thursday.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby? They named him “Sum Ting Wong”

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
 
REDNECK FARM KID
in the Marine Corps

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,

Alice
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'




'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!"

"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"

"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.

"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
 
Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one ... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ... good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well ... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

*********************

Medical misunderstandings

1. A man comes into the ER and yells... ‘

My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall...

‘Big breaths, ‘ ... I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be, ‘ ... Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

Reporting to the rest of the family that he had

Died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion she answered...

‘ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


5. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams ... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

And further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...

‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...

‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was...

‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’

Dr. Wouldn’t submit his name...
1 MORE:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied...

‘Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

I know, ‘ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,

But I’m glad I came”.

***************************

A retiree arrives at the clinic for his annual physical. When he checks in, he learns that the physician that had been treating him for many years had been called away for a personal emergency. The clinic assigned a young doctor who had just joined the practice to conduct the physical.

When the old man goes in to see the doctor, the young doctor greets him with “Hello Mr. Smith. How can I help you? What is your complaint?”

The old man replies, “I have no complaint. I am in excellent health. I am here for my annual physical.”

The young doctor apologizes saying, “I did not intend to insult you, sir. It is just that most of my patients your age have some problems to be treated.”

The old man reiterates his assertion regarding his good health and the doctor tells him that he will conduct the physical exam after completing a medical history check list. The doctor reads the questions on the history form and checks the answers until about the middle of the form. At that point the young doctor asks the old man,

“Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”

The old man answers, “I did not tell you that my father had passed away. He is 96 years old and in excellent health just as I am.”

The young doctor is flustered and responds, “I am sorry; I did not mean to insult your father. It is just that most of my patients your age have already lost their parents.”

“I am happy to tell you that my father is doing very well,” said the old man.

“Excellent!” said the young doctor, “But in that case how old was your grandfather when he died?”

The old man replied, “I did not tell you that my grandfather had died. He is in excellent health just as my father and I are. As a matter of fact, just last week he married a young woman 25 years old.”

With this reply the young doctor has had it. He throws his hands in the air and exclaims loudly,

“Why on earth would a man that old want to marry a woman that young?”

The old man replies with a grin, “I didn’t tell you that my grandfather wanted to get married.”

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman’s Hermits ... Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees ... How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
3. Bobby Darin ... Splish splash, I Was Havin’ a flash.
4. Ringo Starr ... l Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack ... The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash ... I Can’t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon ... Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores ... Once. Twice. Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye ... I heard it Through the Grape Nuts.
l0. Procol Harem ... A Whiter shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer ... You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations ... Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba ... Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando ... Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy ... I Am Woman. Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson ... On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore ... lt’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To.
 
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And let’s just say that she was extremely pissed off!

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute, Love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “But they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” And so the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid that you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.”

“Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.”

“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair of the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and she turned to me with tears in her eyes as I walked her to the door, and said ‘Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”
 
And since tomorrow is Sunday...



GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Tommy was excited about the task - but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Tommy was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER

Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away. “Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Tommy explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
 
The Hunter

One day, while a hunter was sitting too close to a river, his rifle fell into the river and disappeared right before his eyes. When he cried out, suddenly an angel appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?” The hunter replied that his rifle had fallen into the water and that he needed it to help supply food and necessities for his family.

The angel dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a $17,000 Linux-powered .300 Winchester Magnum with a 22-inch barrel.

“Is this your rifle?” the angel asked.

“No,” the hunter reluctantly replied.

The angel again dipped into the river. This time he held out a highly engraved Winchester 1886 in .50-110 Winchester.

“Is this your rifle?”

Again, the hunter shook his head and reluctantly replied, “No.”

The angel reached down again and came up with a beat-up, no-thrills Savage Axis.

“Is this your rifle?” the angel asked.

“Yes,” the hunter replied softly and rather ashamedly. The angel was pleased with the man’s honesty and ended up giving him all three rifles to keep, and the hunter went home happy.

A week later, the hunter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, showing her where the miracle occurred, when his wife fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When he cried out for help, the angel again appeared and asked him, “What is wrong?”

“Oh kind angel, my wife has fallen into the river!”

The angel went down into the water and, to the hunter’s amazement, came up with Marilyn Monroe.

“Is this your wife?” the angel asked.

“Yes!” cried the hunter.

The angel was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

“Oh, forgive me,” the hunter pleaded, “it is only a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Marilyn Monroe then you would have gone back into the river and come up with another gorgeous beauty. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have gone back in and come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes, ‘ you would have given me all three. Please, I beg of you, I’m not in the best of health, nor the richest man, and would not be able to take care of all three women; so, that’s why I said ‘yes’ to Marilyn Monroe.”

And so the angel let him keep her.

The moral of this story: Whenever a man lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason; and, in the end, in the best interest of everyone involved.
 
KFC UP DATE!

Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

And remember when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

Now KFC is offering the “TRUDEAU Cabinet Bucket.”

It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

Just keeping you up to date...
 
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite.

“What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.” The teacher fainted.
 
Nostalgia (Are We Old?) I came across this phrase in a book yesterday “FENDER SKIRTS”. A term I haven’t heard in a long time and thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like “curb feelers” and “steering knobs.” Since I’d been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember “Continental kits?” They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes?” At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”

I’m sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the “foot feed.”

Did you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?

Here’s a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - “store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the ‘50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When’s the last time you heard the quaint phrase “in a family way?” It’s hard to imagine that the word “pregnant” was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and “being in a family way” or simply “expecting.”

Apparently “brassiere” is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it’s just “bra” now. “Unmentionables” probably wouldn’t be understood at all.

I always loved going to the “picture show,” but I considered “movie” an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the ‘50s, but here’s a word I came across the other day from the 60’s - “rat fink.” Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here’s a word I miss - “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffeemaker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that’s what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren’t gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a “certain age” would remember most of these.
 
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

“Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5.”

“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”

“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need ... Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
 
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
  1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

  2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

  3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

  4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

  5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.

  6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR

You can retire to California where...
  1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

  2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

  3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

  4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

  5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR

You can retire to New York City where...
  1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

  2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

  3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

  4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

  5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)

  6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
  1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

  2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

  3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

  4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

  5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

  6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different,” “She is different,” or “It was different!”
OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...
  1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

  2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

  3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

  4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

  5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”

  6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!
OR

You can move to Colorado where...
  1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
  1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

  3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

  4. You end sentences with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”
OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
  1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

  4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

  5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 
Don said:
Here’s a word I miss - “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffeemaker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
Click to expand...
Should've been in chat with us earlier this week...:D

 
Men Are Just Happier Than Women

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

- The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

- A woman has the last word in any argument.

- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

- A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
News Flash!!!

The worst air disaster in South Carolina history occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a baptist church cemetery here early this morning.

Brothers Bubba and Billy Lee Wayne, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues late into the evening.

We'll have more as details come available...
 
Cowboy rules for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma , Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age..

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
 
Good one Don. Sharing it right now.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Don
Oldie but goodie - Rules of Combat

1. Friendly fire – isn’t.
2. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
3. Suppressive fires – won’t.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: When they’re ready or when you’re not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. (For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.)
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
34. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
42. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
43. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
44. Weather ain’t neutral.
45. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
46. Air defense motto: shoot ‘em down; sort ‘em out on the ground.
47. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
48. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
49. Napalm is an area support weapon.
50. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
51. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
52. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
53. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
54. The one item you need is always in short supply.
55. Interchangeable parts aren’t.
56. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
57. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
58. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
59. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
60. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
61. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
62. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
63. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
64. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
65. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
66. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
67. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
68. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
69. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
70. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
71. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
72. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
73. No matter which way you have to march, it’s always uphill.
74. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
75. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
76. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
77. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
78. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
79. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
80. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
81. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
82. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
83. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack.When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
84. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
85. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
86. Murphy was a grunt.
87. Beer Math –> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
88. Body count Math –> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
89. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
90. All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
91. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
92. The crucial round is a dud.
93. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
94. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
95. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
96. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
97. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
98. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
99. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
100. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.
101. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
102. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
103. There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
104. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
105. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
106. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
107. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
108. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
109. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
110. Walking point = sniper bait.
111. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
112. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
113. All or any of the above combined.
 
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers ... did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down ... So he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

‘NUDIST COLONY’ - ‘Slow down and watch for chicks!

******************

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland, from Vancouver.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in B.C. was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, ‘$39.00.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, ‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.

I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others.

****************

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course. He heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER... $2.50

HAMBURGER... $3.50

CHEESEBURGER... $4.25

CHICKEN SANDWICH.$4.75

HAND JOB... $150.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the elderly golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile.

“May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,

“I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,

“Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.

*********************

Two little old ladies, Fran & Enid were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Fran, leaned over and said, ‘Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!’

‘You’re on!’ said Enid, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Fran slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Fran came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

‘What happened?’ asked Enid.

‘I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement... !’
 
Two older gentleman are sitting on a bench, when one asks the other, “at our age, what would you rather have, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”

The other gent replies, “Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle.”

*********************

A princess had a spell put on her so that everything she touched would melt. The king was frantic with worry, so he called all his sorcerers and wizards together to solve the problem. They sat, and discussed and debated, and finally concluded that if the princess were to touch something that wouldn’t melt, the spell would be broken.

The king sent a proclamation throughout the kingdom that anyone who would bring the princess something to touch that wouldn’t melt would get to marry the princess, live happily ever after and all that.

On the designated day, three men showed up. The first had a sword made of vanadium steel ... real hard stuff ... The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The second one had a large diamond ... hardest thing in the world ... can’t melt, right? The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The third one told the princess to put her hand in his pants pocket, and touch what she felt there. She was very embarrassed and didn’t want to do it, but he insisted. She put her hand there, felt something hard and it didn’t melt. The spell was broken! Everyone was overjoyed. He married the princess, and they lived happily ... But what did she feel there? ... M&Ms, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were YOU thinking, you pervert?

*******************

• The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

• The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

• My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 lbs I’ve gained since then.

• I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

• The speed with which a woman says “nothing”, when asked “What’s wrong?”, is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that’s coming.

• Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday ... Your life stinks!

• On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had NO idea I was Japanese!

• I can’t understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor”.

• I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

• What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

******************

I called an old school friend and asked him what he was doing.

He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment”.

I was impressed...

On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water ... under his wife’s supervision.
 
The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could
ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene
in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants
is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says.
“You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.
I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.
"At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !"
 
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Civil Servant.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat.

“T-square, do your stuff,” he said

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of three. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Civil Servant and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Civil Servant called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet. He ate all the cookies, drank the milk, and crapped on the paper. The he screwed the other three cats ... Claimed he injured his back while doing it ... Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in for compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

And that’s why everybody wants to be a Civil Servant!

******************

The Story of Adam & Eve’s Dog

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased...

And Dog was happy.

And Cat...

Didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

******************

I can see this coming in three months....


Someone asked me what I do since I have retired ... Do I have a job? I replied, “I am my wife’s sexual advisor.”

Somewhat shocked, they said, “What do you mean by that?”

“Very simple,” I said. “My wife told me that when she wants my effing advice, she’ll ask for it...
 
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, “Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife.”

Mongrel says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, “Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?”

“Coot’s wife gave it to me,” Mongrel replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?”

“Well, not exactly”, Mongrel says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘you must be Coot’s widow.’”

She said, “You must be mistaken. I’m not a widow.”

Then I said, “I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.”

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...

***************

“Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?” Asked the wife.

“No,” I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

“Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?” she asked.

“No,” I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 40,000 pounds all crumpled up?”

“No,” I said, intrigued.

“Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.”

****************

Getting Old

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write,” An ambulance.’

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble...

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’ and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘Theirs... ‘

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care
 
When jokes were clean, many years ago....


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... ‘ - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

****

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ - Eleanor Roosevelt

****

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement... - Mark Twain

****

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

****

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

****

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

****

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

****

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

****

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

****

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

****

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

****

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

****

Money can’t buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

****

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

****

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

****

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields

****

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

****

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

****

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Phyllis Diller

****

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

****

And finally, the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
 
In wine there is wisdom.
In beer there is freedom.
In water there are bacteria.
It’s your call...

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer, and so on. By the time the seventh one orders, the barkeep pours two glasses of beer and says, “You guys ought to know your limits”.

Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought “That’s a little condescending”.

I don’t like making plans for the day, because then, the word ‘premeditated’ gets thrown around the courtroom...

I’ve got to stop saying, “How stupid can you be?”
Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

The Baron of Strathtyne had a prize peacock which was coveted by the Earl of Rutland. Unfortunately the peacock was infested with intestinal worms. After consulting his vet, the baron went to a pharmacy to get some anthelmintics (anti-worm drugs). The earl took the opportunity to try to steal the peacock. The peacock wasn’t having any of that, and after tripping the earl, pecked him half to death. When the baron returned, he saw what happened, tied up the earl (after moving the peacock away) and had him arrested.

The moral of this sad tale is: The wormy bird catches the Earl.

No animals were harmed during the testing of this product.
However, when the testing was completed, all rabbits were converted into rabbit stew.

Study (v): The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

A man walked into a bar and said to the barman, “Give me a triple Scotch. I’ve just had twins.”

“Mazal tov”, says the barman, “Your wife must be very excited.”

“She will be when she finds out,” he replies.

If Lady Gaga were to go on tour with the Goo Goo Dolls, you’d have GooGooGaga...
 
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered “who ties your shoelaces for you”.

Be careful when you follow the masses ... sometimes the M is silent!

I am not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing. Work fascinates me; I could sit and watch it for hours.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead, it’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you are stupid.

Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

I speak my mind, because it hurts like hell to bite my tongue all the time.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude ... my personality is “WHO I am.” my attitude depends on “who you are!”

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.

Remember to set your scale back 10 pounds this week.

I am not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes time to think.

I am one step away from being rich; all I need now is money.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick
 
A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar, not realizing it's a gay bar. After a couple of beers, off he goes to the bathroom. He walks into the toilet and is shocked at what he sees. He quickly leaves.
The barkeep asks, "What's wrong?"
The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there."
"What?"
The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being dogged by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting dogged by a guy behind HIM."
The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and asks, "The guy in the middle, is he about 6'2", sandy hair wearing a wearing a yellow T-shirt?"
"I think so, why?"
"He's lucky at cards too."
 
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three, and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped ... headfirst into this here hole!!”

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible ... I had him chained to an old transmission.”
 
Last edited:
Don said:
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three, and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped ... headfirst into this here hole!!”
Click to expand...

Ok, I'll admit, I don't get it.
 
I am worried how much my reputation will be marred because I did not decipher that one on my own. o_O
 
A man answers the door on Halloween to find a young boy dressed as a pirate standing there,well, well young man what are you supposed to be? I'm a birate, a what the man ask, a birate, I'ma birate,the boy shouts, realizing the boy has a speech impediment,the man decides to engage him in more conversation so he won't embarrass the boy ,why yes now I see your pirate,but even a pirate shouldn't be out trick or treating alone where are your buccaneers? Under my bucking hat the boy replied
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom