Don's joke thread

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”
 
A small synagogue was being audited by the IRS. The auditor was young and conniving; the Rabbi, old and wise.

"I've noticed you use a lot of candles," said the auditor. "What do you do with all of the wax drippings?"

"Oh," replied the Rabbi, "We collect all of the drippings and send them to the candle makers. Every so often, they send us a complete box of candles for free."

The auditor thought for a moment, unwilling to accept defeat. "I've noticed you use a lot of matzo here. What do you do with all of the crumbs?" he asks.

The Rabbi patiently replies, "We collect all of the crumbs, and send them back to the maker. Every so often, they send us a complete box for free."

The auditor becomes visibly agitated by the Rabbi's answers for everything. Finally, he thinks he has something. "I've noticed you perform a lot of circumcisions here. What do you do with all of the left over foreskins?"

The Rabbi pauses, then says, "We collect all of the foreskins from the circumcisions. We send them to the IRS and, every so often, they send us a complete Prick."
 
There is this family that is in deep financial trouble. The parents have lost their jobs. The wife and daughter need surgery after the car accident that totaled their only car. The son needs dental work and new glasses. They are about to be evicted from their home.

I mean this family could use some money.

So one night the father prays to God. “Lord, you know we are hurting financially. If you could, please let me win the lottery. You know I’ll put it to good use, and any leftover I will give to the church and other charities”.

Every night the father says the same prayer.

After three weeks of not winning, the man angrily yells to God. “Lord, why haven’t you let me win the lottery? You know I’ll use it wisely, and put the money to good use. So please Lord, let me win the lottery.”

The Lord answers back. “Help me out and buy a ticket!”
 
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco”

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If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If god wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses ... They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
17a. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?

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“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.” Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.” Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde
 
God and Lawn Care:

GOD: Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds, and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away, too.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
 
The Washington Redskins finally agreed to drop the offensive name: Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, announced today that the team is dropping “Washington” from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins.”

It was reported that he finds the word “Washington “ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
 
The preacher visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best. The preacher visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

“Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in High Heels, he pulled up my skirt, and made love to me right then and there.”

“They don’t like that in heaven”, said the preacher.

The woman replied: “They’re not too happy about it in Walmart either!”
 
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

This also was not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics. No go!

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds. Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again.

So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.

Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.
 
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it!”

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A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed.”

The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!”

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!”

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There’s a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Carlsberg’ orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke!

“Why don’t you order a Heineken?” his colleagues ask...

“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, then neither will I.”
 
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

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A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court. His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count. Flushed with victor, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, “Justice has triumphed!”

A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, “Appeal at once!”
 
The Weasel Joke

So, these two weasels were sitting in the bar, nursing their umpteenth drinks. One would, tip his drink, set it down; the other would tip his drink, set it down. This went on for some time, until one abruptly stood up, waggled his finger in the face of the second weasel, and shrieked, “I’ve slept with your mother!”

The bar went silent. Several of the patrons casually looked about, marking the nearest exit. The second weasel said not a word, occasionally taking a tip of his drink. Soon, the first weasel sat back down, resumed drinking, and the conversations at the bar, interrupted by the drama, resumed.

Some time passed, the weasels refreshed their drinks, and, again, the first weasel again leapt to his feet, stuck his nose in the face of the other weasel, and bellowed, “I’ve slept with your mother! Several times!”

Dead silence again overtook the bar. A few of the earlier exit-surveying patrons signaled for their checks, or tossed a stack of bills onto the tables, and departed. The second weasel, sipping his drink, appeared unperturbed. Soon, the bellowing weasel sat back down, and resumed his drinking.

Slowly, hesitantly, the conversations about the bar resumed. Again, the one weasel staggered to his feet, pushed the other weasel in his shoulder, and sneered, “I’ve slept with your mother! And, it was good! Very, very good!”

The second weasel put down his drink. He regarded his companion for a moment, then pulled several bills from his pocket, and dropped them on the table. The silence in the bar was palpable. The second weasel got to his feet, and responded, “Dad, you’re drunk. Time to go home!”

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This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.? Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.

The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, ‘Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!’

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A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife’s birthday. They’d gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house.

Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

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So, there was this fellow, who was undergoing counseling. (isn’t everyone?)

One day, he arrived for his appointment, and seemed more morose than his baseline. The counselor asked him about it.

“Well, Doctor, it’s my brother. He thinks he’s a chicken. He crows at daybreak, he scratches in the dust for insects, he struts, and does that chicken chirp, and he sets himself on a perch, all night long, to sleep. Gotta tell you, the rest of the family is beginning to get concerned!”

“How long has he had this delusion?” asked the counselor.

The man looked pensive for a moment, and replied, “I guess, it’s been five, maybe six years, by now.”

“My God, man! What has taken you so long to seek help!”

The patient shrugged, and said, “Well, we really needed the eggs!”
 
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.

His first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux’s sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said:

“If you has da normal GI insurans an’ you goes to Afghanistan an’ gets youself killed, da govment’ pays you benefishery $20,000.

If you takes out da suppmental insuransa, which cost you only t’irty dollars a munt, den da governmen’ gots ta pay you benefishery $500,000!

“Now,” Boudreaux concluded, “which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”
 
NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive18, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive18 suite consists of three products: Condom18, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive18 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive18 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and Don Juan niches. While Contraceptive18 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom18 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, “It is now safe to turn off your partner”.

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it’s used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive18 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive18’s potential. He recently said, “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”
 
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.” The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”

“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re all in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

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A fairy godmother decides to grant three wishes to a little old lady.

“What would you like for your first wish?” the fairy godmother asks.

The little old lady says, “I would like to be rich.”

POOF! Her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

“And for your second wish?” asks her fairy godmother.

The little old lady says, “I would like to be young again.”

POOF! The little old lady is now a beautiful young woman.

“And for your third and final wish?” asks her fairy godmother.

The young woman’s cat, Burt, jumps into her lap.

She asks the fairy godmother, “Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?”

POOF! Suddenly, Burt is a handsome young prince.

The handsome young prince leans down to the young woman and whispers softly in her ear, “Don’t you wish you hadn’t had me neutered?”

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A man walked into a pub with a full grown alligator. Everyone stared.

The man said when he had everyones attention - “I will put me organ into the alligators jaws if someone will buy me a drink.

Very quickly a free bottle of drink with the top off was thrust into his hand and his bluff was called.

Calmly the man unzipped and did as he promised - the alligator snapped its jaws shut with an earth shattering slam.

When he had finished his drink the man looked around the room and rapped the alligator smartly over the head with the empty bottle whereupon the alligator promptly opened it’s jaws leaving the man intact.

“If anyone else will try that I will pay them £1000 cash the man said”

No-one moved and there were mutters all round the room.

Suddenly a blonde came forward shaking her long hair “I’ll try do it she said ----------- but there’s one condition ------------ you have to promise not to hit me over the head with the bottle.”
 
A Vatican cardinal excitedly rushes in to wake up the Pope. He says “Wake up, your eminence, wake up! I have good news and bad news!!” The Pope groggily replies “Ok, give me the good news first!” to which the cardinal responds “Christ has returned! He’s on the phone and wants to talk to you!!”. The Pope immediately asks “Well, then what could possibly be bad news at a time like this?!?”. The cardinal says “He’s calling from Salt Lake City!!”

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There was a little boy in kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.”

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, “Are these yours?”

“No, they’re not mine,” the boy shook his head. The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?”

“I’m sure,” the boy sobbed, “mine have snow on them.”
 
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

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John and Martha were at their neighbor’s house, ready to participate for their first time on an evening of mate-swapping.

There were several couples, some they knew, others they did not, all standing around nude in the large living room, enjoying cocktails.

“Let’s go for those two!” Martha said, pointing to a young couple by the fireplace.

John liked his wife’s taste in women -- the young girl was beautifully built, had the face of an angel, and a fiery red snatch that perfectly matched her beautiful tresses.

“Whoa!” John says, “She is amazing! ... But look at her skinny little husband! And he’s got a little two-incher. What’s in it for you?”

Martha just smiled. “I guess you didn’t notice him earlier, when he was licking his eyebrows.”

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A lonesome cowboy is on horseback, riding the range, when he is threatened by an enormous rattlesnake, about to strike.

Keeping calm, the cowboy whips out his six-shooter and draws a bead on the snake with a steady hand.

“Wait! Wait! Don’t shoot!” says the snake. “Spare me and I’ll grant you any three wishes you desire!”

“Damn, a talking rattler!” thinks the cowboy, but he figures if the snake can talk, maybe he’s capable of granting wishes, too.

Holding the gun steady, he mulls it over. “Okay, I want a body like Arnold Swartznegger in his prime; I want a face like George Clooney, and I wanna be hung just like this here horse I’m ridin’”

“When you awaken tomorrow, it will all be true!” says the snake, and slithers away.

Next morning in the bunkhouse, the cowboy jumps out of bed, immediately noticing that he has an ideal muscular body. He looks into the broken mirror on the wall and, sure enough, there’s Clooney’s handsome mug looking back at him.

He checks the content of his boxers and then does a double-take.

“Damn!” He says, “I was ridin’ Ol Mabel last night!”
 
It takes a thousand bolts to build a car but just one nut behind the steering wheel to scatter them all over the road.

Everybody on the road is a frigging idiot except me.

Everybody in the world is crazy except thee and me, now I’m beginning to wonder about thou.
 
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely. She’s beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

***************************
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am sooo sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, she replies ... You just happened to catch my eye.”

*************************
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: “My boyfriend said he fantasizes about having two girls at once.” The other replies, “Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?”.

“I said, If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?”
 
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colours she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”!

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”

The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying grass across the street.”
 
So, this fellow bought a parrot from the pet store, and wondered why it was so cheap. The bird appeared healthy; it looked around, and seemed perfectly normal.

After a few days in his new home, the bird began to speak. “Polly want a cracker”, etcetera, you know, the usual stuff.

Time passed, and the bird began to swear. And swear, and swear. The new owner, a firefighter, was no stranger to Anglo Saxon turns of phrase, but, Lawsey! This bird knew some curses!

The firefighter tried reasoning with the bird, and, for his trouble, was invited to have carnal knowledge of a goat.

He tried yelling at the bird, and was invited to worship at the altar of the Patron Saint of Fertility. With himself.

Finally, the bird let loose with a blistering stream of invective, so loud, so profane, so scorching vulgar, that, in desperation, the firefighter seized the parrot, threw open the freezer, and tossed the squalling bird inside, slamming the door shut.

The cursing and shenanigans continued for several minutes, until, abruptly, they ended. The man waited for a few more minutes, until, concerned, he peeked into the freezer, and beheld a silent, wide eyes bird scrunched up in one corner of the freezer.

He withdrew the silent parrot, set him on his perch, and regarded the creature for a bit.

“You think that you have finished swearing around me?” he asked.

The bird nodded.

“Do you understand that I am through tolerating that sort of language? No more!”

The bird nodded.

The owner glared at the bird for a bit, until the parrot ventured, “Sir? May I ask a question?”

“Ask your question.”

The parrot hesitated, finally asking, “Sir? What exactly was it, that the turkey did?”
 
Heh! These are so bad that I hesitated to post them..........for about 2 seconds.....upload_2018-2-2_16-16-26.gif:D


There was a man who had a girlfriend named Lorraine. Then one day a new woman was hired at his office. Her name was Clearly, and he soon fell in love with her. He thought about breaking things off with Lorraine. But he just couldn’t do it. Then Lorraine learned her employer was transferring her across country. The guy pretended to be sad when Lorraine moved. But deep down, he was happy. As he left the airport after seeing Lorraine off, he could be heard singing “I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone!”
_________________________
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the ‘little people’ pay less than the going rate for rent. Since we have only one ‘little person’ living here it turns out that he won’t have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a “Stay Free Mini Pad”.
_________________________
My wife was in labour with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife!” I cried. “It’s perfectly normal” he reassured me “She’s just having her contractions”.
_________________________
Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. “See how big it is?” she said. “They can always make it faster than you can drink it”. “Maybe so” said Murphy “But I’ve got ‘em working nights!”
_________________________
A lady to doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” Doctor: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake!”
 
What I want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn’t fart in public
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet
 
A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes ‘beep-beep-beep-beep... ‘ “What’s that for?” asked one of the girls. “Oh that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed” said the bloke. “My God” she said shocked “in the States we don’t even let them drive...
____________________________

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No” said the farmer “I get a dime for a tomato like that one”.

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one “Will you take two pennies for that one?” “Yes” replied the farmer “I’ll give you that one for two cents”. “OK” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand “I’ll pick it up in about a week”.
____________________________

“What’s for lunch?” my husband asked as I worked in the garden.

“Whatever you prepare” I replied curtly. “Imagine I’m dead. What would you do then?” “Okay” he said, and disappeared into the kitchen. An hour later I called to him from the garden and asked how it was going. “Very well” he replied. “I had a lovely salad”.

“What about me?” I asked. “I thought you were dead” he said.
_____________________________

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order “Bring me my red shirt”.

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, the officers discussed the day’s triumphs and one of them asked the captain “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?”

The captain replied “No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized”. The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.

One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate “Get me my brown pants”.
 
A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”
_________________________

A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

“What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is a 59 year old widow, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and hasn’t had sex since her husband passed away 7 years ago! Yet you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

“Does she still have the hiccups?”
 
I was frantically pacing outside the maternity ward today.

Just so everyone thinks I’ve actually had sex.
________________

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus...

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man’s he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’ The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’...
 
If you remember the ‘70’s, tobacco companies were under fire by those claiming that cigarette smoking was addictive and damaging to our health. They were defending themselves as best they could from these charges.

While this was happening, an animal behaviorist wanted to remove the human factor, thus removing much of the emotional component, from examination of the issue. He planned and designed a research program to study the effect of cigarette smoke on laboratory rats. He began by subjecting rats to repeated doses of smoke, with control subjects having no exposure, and others having a series of different intensities ranging from 1 pack a day to 4 packs a day. After several months, the rats were placed in a confined space with neither food or water, and had to traverse a tube with dense smoke to get out. He timed how long it took for the various rats to enter the escape tube. What was immediately apparent was that the control group hesitated and resisted entering the tube, while those getting the highest dosage were eager to enter the smoke.

Clearly, the rats had become comfortable with the smoke.

He then set up chambers where the rats had to choose a food chamber or a smoke chamber. He stopped dosing for a day and placed the rats in the test area. Without exception, the rats of all dosages entered the smoke chamber rather than the food chamber while the control subjects entered the food chamber.

He had proven addiction to the smoke.

Examination of high dosage long exposure subjects showed adverse effects in the hearts and lungs, while no such effects showed in the control rats.

Finally, he wanted to examine the ability to cure the rats’ addiction. He set up a chamber wherein a rat could press a door and receive a dose of smoke, and cut off other smoke sources. The rats dosed themselves, over and over, with the smoke. He then applied a mild electric charge to the door so a rat pushing the door to get a dose of smoke would simultaneously receive a painful but not damaging electric shock.

Within a week, the subject rats were no longer pressing the door. All examination showed that they now connected smoke with a painful experience, and they exhibited no more addictive behavior.

The animal behaviorist received great public recognition of his almost magical result for being the first person to succeed in pulling a habit out of a rat.
 
Algebra – what mermaids wear to hold up their breasts.

Cannibals serve food at a wake. It saves a lot on the burial costs...

A candidate for the police force was asked, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother”? He replied, “Call for backup.”

When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same when you are stupid.

People my age are so much older than me.

I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds...

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car. Using my phone as a flashlight...

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One needs tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1964, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen...
 
So, this guy goes to the talent agent, looking for his big break. He takes his dog, introducing him as a dog who can talk.

The agent is skeptical, and wants to see the duo in action.

The guy asks the dog, “What’s on the outside of a tree?”

The dog answers, “Bark!”

“What’s on top of a house”

The dog responds, “Roof!”

Again, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

The dog considers this, and replies, “Ruth!”

The agent has had enough, and chases them both into the street, shouting, “You charlatans! Fakers! Such bullshit! Don’t come back!”

The guy seats himself on a bench, disappointed. The dog curls in his lap, hangdog a look on his snout as can be imagined. Minutes pass, the guy sighs.

The dog looks up, and asks, “Do you think the agent was a fan of DiMaggio?”
 
It was the old days of the American west. A young man has left his home back east, to seek his fortune in the wide open spaces. He arrives in town, and sees the local saloon has a ‘HELP WANTED’ sign in the window.

He goes into the bar, and speaks to the owner, who sizes him up, and offers him the job. He adds this: “One thing. If you ever hear, ‘Big John’s a-comin’’, just get out of here as fast as you can!”

He works there for a few weeks, when one day, he’s cleaning the place, and there’s an incredible commotion outside. People are yelling, screaming “Big John’s a-comin! Big Jooooohn’s a-comin!”

As he’s trying to leave the bar, though, he’s knocked over by a massively huge man, riding an even bigger mountain lion, using a twelve foot rattlesnake for a whip! The man rides the mountain lion up to the bar, tosses the rattlesnake into the corner, and bellows out “Gimme a barrel of pickle juice!”

Our young hero goes into the store room and rolls out a barrel of pickle juice. The man rips the lid off with his teeth and drains it all in one gulp, and tops it off with a belch that rattles windows three towns away.

The young man meekly asks “Would you like another barrel of pickle juice?” “Ain’t got time!” comes the reply. “Big John’s a-comin’!”
 
An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said “No, I’d like to see something a little more special”.

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said “We’ll take it”.

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated “By cheque. Now I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon”.

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said “There’s no money in that account!” “I know” said the old man “But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”
 
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Gentleman was at a Vegas brothel. Dude gets around!
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
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