Dear Nassau County Police Department,
I tried to comply with the requirements outlined in your letter. However, after conducting a thorough search far and wide I could not find any Notary Services which could affix their notary seal on that steaming pile of horse sh*t. Every time they attempted to apply their seal, all they got for their efforts were a squishy, foul smelling brown ooze from between the plates of the seal.
I would like to take this moment to point out a few things with respect to your letter.
For example, the requirement to submit all those items in person as notorized statements. All notorizing does is have someone affix their seal and signature to a document attesting that the person who provided the information is who they say they are (presented an ID, for example) and that said person SWORE what they put in that document is true. Given that you could have virtually ANY form/document filled out with the Pistol License Section which meets EXACTLY this same criteria, I am forced to come to the conclusion that all the information you require to be delivered by notorized document is nothing more than a set of flaming hoops you choose to make any applicants jump through. And, might I add, at their own expense since each notorized document would require a fee. If you want me to come in-person for this process, then kick it up a notch and start doing your job.
For another, you are requesting criminal information which YOU, as a police department, should ALREADY have access to. Criminal and misdemeanor convictions are a matter of public record and are certainly already accessable by the Police Department simply by virtue of your business nature, to wit "law enforcement". Do your own job. I work for a living, too, and I don't ask other people to do my job. If I did, my boss might as well hire someone else to do my job and fire me. Which gives me some thoughts about the Nassau County PD, by the way.
My current spouse/partner and any other adults living with me (children or not) are not any business of the Pistol License Section with respect to my application. If they should pursue their own application, then it would be your business...but only so far as it involved THEIR application, not mine. I have no interst in providing information to an armed agency which may have members interested in pursuing family members for nefarious activities while I'm out and about doing things like a mandated, in-person appearance to the Pistol License Section. Go find other uncommitted adults to bang and stay away from me and my house in the process.
As for a "certificate of completion endorsed and affirmed by a duly authorized instruction demonstrating your proficiency in a concealed carry firearms safety training course...", I've got your certificate right here (please visualize my hand gripping my crotch). I've looked up the Nassau County Police Department pistol qualifications and let me say I find them abysmal. Terrifyingly simplistic and amateuristic, in fact. So much so that your entire department ought to be held to Barney Fife standards and the single bullet the entire department shares ought to be a Snap-Cap kept under lock and key and only issued when the Zombie Apocalypse starts. I've probably got more range time, and put more rounds down range, than your entire police department put together.
About that urine drug testing...I'll be happy to show up in person and provide a sample which YOU can then ship to a certified lab under your own dime. I'll happily provide the sample in full compliance with the standards in which I gave all such samples while I was Active Duty, too. After 20 years of doing random urinalysis in the Navy, I could provide a sample standing on the 50 yard line during Half Time at the Superbowl. Or I can just leave a sample running down your leg. Your choice.
NOW...for a bit of an embarassing history lesson for you (and your entire state).
It is with great irony that I note that the state of New York was one of the two original 13 states which expressly made it a condition of their ratification and continued existence within the Union that a Bill of Rights would be the first order of business for the First Congress and explicitly that this bill of rights would contain the Right to Keep and Bear Arms for all. The other state was North Carolina.
That's right. New York and North Carolina both thought it was so important that this particular right be explicity protected that they BOTH said they would tell the Union to f*ck off and die rather than be a part of it.
And here you are today, wall-papering a right behind BS tyranical restrictions your forebears explicitly fought to prevent. You are less than an embarassing sperm stain on the *ss-tat of a diseased whore.
Signed,
John Q. Public
Maybe a resident of New York and maybe not
Malum prohibitum criminal extraordinaire
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