Howdy folks,
Almost hate to ask, as I never visit this part of the forum to offer support, but does anybody have any experience with grief counseling? Would attending stigmatize me with future firearms matters?
Two years ago, my father was involved in a head on collision with a POS with a mile long rap sheet. Of course, said POS was high as a kite and barely hurt, while my father lingered in a hospital for exactly a week before succumbing to massive blunt force trauma.
This Feb, the trial was held. Apparently the POS was previously jailed for killing another man in a head on collision, again while high, except the man's 6 year old daughter was in the car, which caught fire. So a tiny girl, trapped in a flaming car, with her dead father, and this POS tried to run off, but was detained by a Samaritan. That man's life was worth 6 years of the POS's time. For his recidivist tendencies and death of my father, he received a 2nd Degree Murder sentence of life with no parole. I sincerely hope he intimately knows the taste of another man in his cell block in Laurinburg.
That has been the only consolation since his death. My pop was a salt-of-the-earth type, a very likable and plain spoken guy with a wicked sense of humor (whenever I read a post by gunbelt, I hear it in my dad's voice). He was a Civil Designer, having a hand in many power plants and buildings, including quite a few in Charlotte. He was very accomplished, highly sought after in his field, with a huge network of colleagues.
As a dad, he was unparalleled. I was a handful, and while firm, he was always patient despite some very serious issues that occurred during my teen years. I think like most of our dads, he was outdoorsy, loving fishing and hunting, and started me shooting at a young age. He was the template for everything I wanted to become.
Since he was pulled so violently from our lives, the little bit of family I have left has struggled with the loss. My mother, despite being one of the strongest people I know, was just crushed. The day he died, she broke down in a way I had never seen before, and I knew I would have to be there for her, and I have been since.
...and I guess that brings me to the issue. I'm pretty stunted emotionally. My level of feeling has a range of hungry, angry, happy, and sleepy. Since I've focused on everybody and everything else since his death, my own emotional and mental health has declined. I was moving up through my work, getting a name in my own field, and his death just leveled me. A man who worked everyday in his life, just a year from retirement, cut down on his way to work. What was the point in me following the same path?
I left my high paying, prestigious job to take a minimum wage, drone labor job much closer to home. I tell myself I did it for all sorts of noble reasons, but the truth of it was just giving up. Exerting so much energy into just holding myself together while maintaining my insanely fervent work ethic (4-6 people were needed to replace me at my old job, should I be gone for a few days) just lead to a total collapse for me. Sleeping overnight at work and working on everything else at home damaged my marriage and friendships as well.
So I have no idea what I need to do at this point. I'm fairly lost and directionless. My pop was my best friend, my model for how I should live my life, and I just can't get my sh!t together now. While I've taken the time to rebuild my domestic life and be a good son and husband, my ambition, work ethic, and drive have suffered, veering from almost manic levels of work to keep my mind occupied to periods of deep seated malaise, where I can't be bothered to care about anything, thinking how pointless most everything is, especially since some POS can snatch it away at point.
At any rate, it feels better just saying all of this stuff here; things I've not mentioned to anybody, feelings I haven't admitted, etc. Is there any solace in spewing all this nonsense in front of a group of strangers? I know I'll never admit or say these things to my wife, and my mother doesn't need my grief on top of hers, and my friends won't really understand, and I couldn't even say it in front of them without alcohol.
Almost hate to ask, as I never visit this part of the forum to offer support, but does anybody have any experience with grief counseling? Would attending stigmatize me with future firearms matters?
Two years ago, my father was involved in a head on collision with a POS with a mile long rap sheet. Of course, said POS was high as a kite and barely hurt, while my father lingered in a hospital for exactly a week before succumbing to massive blunt force trauma.
This Feb, the trial was held. Apparently the POS was previously jailed for killing another man in a head on collision, again while high, except the man's 6 year old daughter was in the car, which caught fire. So a tiny girl, trapped in a flaming car, with her dead father, and this POS tried to run off, but was detained by a Samaritan. That man's life was worth 6 years of the POS's time. For his recidivist tendencies and death of my father, he received a 2nd Degree Murder sentence of life with no parole. I sincerely hope he intimately knows the taste of another man in his cell block in Laurinburg.
That has been the only consolation since his death. My pop was a salt-of-the-earth type, a very likable and plain spoken guy with a wicked sense of humor (whenever I read a post by gunbelt, I hear it in my dad's voice). He was a Civil Designer, having a hand in many power plants and buildings, including quite a few in Charlotte. He was very accomplished, highly sought after in his field, with a huge network of colleagues.
As a dad, he was unparalleled. I was a handful, and while firm, he was always patient despite some very serious issues that occurred during my teen years. I think like most of our dads, he was outdoorsy, loving fishing and hunting, and started me shooting at a young age. He was the template for everything I wanted to become.
Since he was pulled so violently from our lives, the little bit of family I have left has struggled with the loss. My mother, despite being one of the strongest people I know, was just crushed. The day he died, she broke down in a way I had never seen before, and I knew I would have to be there for her, and I have been since.
...and I guess that brings me to the issue. I'm pretty stunted emotionally. My level of feeling has a range of hungry, angry, happy, and sleepy. Since I've focused on everybody and everything else since his death, my own emotional and mental health has declined. I was moving up through my work, getting a name in my own field, and his death just leveled me. A man who worked everyday in his life, just a year from retirement, cut down on his way to work. What was the point in me following the same path?
I left my high paying, prestigious job to take a minimum wage, drone labor job much closer to home. I tell myself I did it for all sorts of noble reasons, but the truth of it was just giving up. Exerting so much energy into just holding myself together while maintaining my insanely fervent work ethic (4-6 people were needed to replace me at my old job, should I be gone for a few days) just lead to a total collapse for me. Sleeping overnight at work and working on everything else at home damaged my marriage and friendships as well.
So I have no idea what I need to do at this point. I'm fairly lost and directionless. My pop was my best friend, my model for how I should live my life, and I just can't get my sh!t together now. While I've taken the time to rebuild my domestic life and be a good son and husband, my ambition, work ethic, and drive have suffered, veering from almost manic levels of work to keep my mind occupied to periods of deep seated malaise, where I can't be bothered to care about anything, thinking how pointless most everything is, especially since some POS can snatch it away at point.
At any rate, it feels better just saying all of this stuff here; things I've not mentioned to anybody, feelings I haven't admitted, etc. Is there any solace in spewing all this nonsense in front of a group of strangers? I know I'll never admit or say these things to my wife, and my mother doesn't need my grief on top of hers, and my friends won't really understand, and I couldn't even say it in front of them without alcohol.