Mom entered hospice care today

Ferrisfan

Ferrisfan

Fast is fine but accurate is final. - W. Earp
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I pretty much understand what is about to happen, but I would appreciate any advice for topics to discuss with her to prepare me for “after” before it is too late to ask.
Things like where she wants remains, if there is anything she borrowed that needs to be returned, if she wants me to record her telling stories.
 
I am sorry that you are having to go through this, but it is good that you're trying to think ahead and avoid as much future hassle as possible. Two pieces of advice, one practical, one more personal.


1) Practical: Try to make sure you know what all the accounts are and where any information or documents may be located, if you haven't already. This includes will, bank accounts, trusts, credit cards, phone bills, etc.

2) Personal, this is from a suggestion a friend made. While you're having some of the conversations with your mother over the coming days, consider putting a voice recording app on your phone and recording some of them. You may find being able to hear your mother's voice again in the future comforting.
 
Prayers for your family. I wouldn't know what to ask in your situation.

Edit: yes, passwords. And any recurring subscriptions she might have. Things she'll want you to cancel.
 
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Prayers and positive energy. Ask about the things she kept as memories or momentos or things. Make more memories and smiles

Practical things are gonna be. Let them be.
 
If she was admitted to Hospice there are certain things that should have already been discussed and documented, such as DNR and goals of care. If her immediate family (kids primarily, spouse if applicable) are not entirely on the same page with regard to what measures mom wants/does not want to have taken on her behalf, now is the time to make her wishes crystal clear. Get the Hospice Social Worker (these are clinical folks, not welfare administrators) to have a Family Meeting to ensure everyone is on the same page and to clearly identify who the ultimate decision maker is/are.
 
Prayers for you and family during this difficult time. There are several excellent tips upstream. Tim has brought up a very good point about a family meeting. The only other thing I have to offer is have 2 family meetings.

The first should take place without her. Everyone needs to be prepared to hear something they may not like or want to hear. And they need to be adult enough to accept her wishes and not start any arguments during the second family meeting with her. You would be surprised at the calls I’ve responded to about family disputes happening in front of the loved one who is about to die.
 
Very sorry to hear that and prayers with you and your families.
PLEASE read what Tim said above.

Both my parents wanted to be home when they died. I promised them that and I did it. It was too say the least difficult.
Please read everything hospice gives you and then read it again. Thes rest of the love ones should do the same.
 
My prayers are with you and your family in this tough time. My aunt I look after has been having alot more confusion and bad days and we are getting all her wishes locked in on paper so what she wants is what she will get when the good lord calls her home.
 
Sorry you are having to go through this. When banks get word that she’s gone, they will likely freeze the accounts. Best to draw down those accounts before she passes.

AND FOR EVERYONE: If you have a banking account joint with someone, make sure the bank has that box checked that says “Joint with right of survivorship”. Otherwise they will freeze your accounts.

My wife died six weeks ago. The funeral home didn’t get her hair, makeup, or lipstick right. It would have been helpful if I had been able to provide them with the makeup and rouge she used, and a good photo of how she wanted her hair done including color.

You will need a dress that goes high on the neck and low on the wrists so that any bruises or incisions are hidden. My wife had lost so much weight that you could see all the structures in her neck, and the dress covered that.
 
Sorry to hear this brother. Maybe a power of attorney is in order while she can still sign papers. Hospice is typically awesome. They will round up all unused meds when she passes. Those Hospice nurses are a Godsend.
 
Prayers for all
 
Prayers up for her and you all staying here.

Be with her as much as you can. Once the practical issues are set, the time together will follow its own righteous course.
 
Ferrisfan said:
I pretty much understand what is about to happen, but I would appreciate any advice for topics to discuss with her to prepare me for “after” before it is too late to ask.
Things like where she wants remains, if there is anything she borrowed that needs to be returned, if she wants me to record her telling stories.
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Make sure she is on board with the hospice recommended medication regimes aimed at pain relief and relief of anxiety.

I just went through this 5 months ago.

Don't feel like spelling it out, just make sure.
 
Amps 13 said:
Prayers. Make sure the will is crystal clear. If it’s foggy in any way it could cause issues with family.
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So sorry you are going through this @Ferrisfan.
@Amps 13 is right.
My father has terminal CHF, and two of the six adult children have started making a bid for the throne, threatening to contest his will. You don’t want that kind of drama. Maybe video recording of her stating emphatically what she wants, or even hire a lawyer to do it.

Tell her your favorite memoirs of her from your life, favorite songs that make you think of her, and other funny or wonderful moments that stand out.
Let her know she will be remembered.
 
Try to record stories. I still need to make a list to discuss with my dad while I still can. I didn't think about it while my mom was in hospice.

For example... where she grew up, what it was like when you were little, how she met your dad, what her parents were like, family members/relations that aren't around anymore, things you might want to ask someday but won't be able too.

Loosing people is hard. Prayers for you and your family too.

This is posted in The Chapel so I'll say now is also a great time to talk with her about how she can be sure that she's going to a better place. If either of you have questions there are lots of people and pastors that would be more than happy to talk with you both.
 
Prayers for a peaceful, painless transition.

I did Hospice with my Dad. That service is valuable in many ways.
 
Prayers. Lost my mom and MIL last year. Both were in hospice a short amount of time. My mom was mostly unconscious for most of her time there other than at intake. She was very agitated and not considered abulatory but was trying to get out of bed and walk, presumably to leave. They kept her sedated to keep from having to pick her up off the floor every time the nurses made rounds. My moms affairs were mostly settled by POA's, and a trust. She was not verbal after the first 12hrs she was there. Hopefully your mom has all her final decisions spelled out in a will or trust. Topics to discuss may include, is there anything hidden in her home (guns in a wall behind panelling in the kitchen in my MIL's case), final resting place, flowers what kind or in lieu of flowers donations to a favorite charity or to the hospice, friends that need to be notified, lock box ?, anything in it that she wants to go to someone in particular. Any family history/genealogy ?'s you may have.
 
I lost my mother 13 years ago. She had been in the icu for a long long time for severe issues with diabetes. So her last 45-50 days on earth I spoke to her 4 times or so because my parents did not have a cell phone and I live 6 hours away. The last time I talked to her I just kind of knew she was going to die. I told her I loved her and that I would always keep her in my heart. She died 7 days later. I am the youngest of 4 but unfortunately I am the only one my parents could rely on to make decisions. So I had to make all the tough ones. So my piece of advice is to stay with her all you can and take a note pad and ask her what she wants done after she is gone. Do all that money and time will allow. If you are in the same position as I was just remember that just because others will yell and scream you are making decisions for not just that day but also the future of who is left.
 
I went through this process with my mother last month. I have no advice, other than to shower her with love and be there.

It's a tough time and I'll keep you both in my prayers
 
Perhaps she can answer any questions about your family tree, I have very little info from my side of the family.
 
I’m sorry to hear this, my grandma raised me and acted more of a mother than my mom ever did. She died a couple months ago and I was able to be with her for the biggest part of it.

What gave me comfort was a couple days before she passed we talked about the families taboo subjects. When your grandparents raise you things are different for the child and I assume for the grandparents as well. You get different sides of stories from each side of the family. Any way those were put in the open and hard feelings were put to rest. This was just me and her talking, no one else around.

I hope you find a way to ask or answer any/all questions with her before she goes.


Edited to add: I thought this may be a touchy subject but she seemed happy to discuss it and get it off her chest. When I brought it up I started out with the question “do you know what taboo means”. I’m sure you’ll find your own way to breach the subject but I think it would be worth while to do so. I’ll be praying for you.
 
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I have no additional advise, but just wanted to say I'm sorry. This is a difficult time.
 
A small thing to add also,

If she’s been on a restricted diet, ask if there’s anything she’d like to have food/drink wise that’s not been allowed. Chocolate, candy, or old time recipes you have access to fix.
 
Hospice was a godsend during my Mom’s and my wife’s parents last days. Those people are Angels. You’ll be glad you got them involved. Prayers for you and your family.
 
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