Things that happened to you as a child that didn’t make sense until you were an adult

[cubrock]

The military plane thread in Veterans Corner reminded me of times I can remember our front yard in a little town outside Grand Rapids, Michigan. We moved to NC when I was three, so the memories I have of that yard are all from that age and younger. In that thread, I reminisced about lying in the front yard on a sunny day and seeing a unique plane fly overhead. Later in childhood, I saw a picture of a P38 and realized that was the plane I saw from the front yard that afternoon.

Another time, I was sitting in the front yard on a sunny day when a man walked by on the sidewalk. The yard was a bit higher than the sidewalk and sloped down in a way that was perfect for little legs to hang over while laying back in the grass on the flatter part of the yard, so I was an easy arm’s reach from someone on the sidewalk. He started talking to me and I started talking back. Next thing I know, my mom came barreling out of the house, jerked me up by the arm, took me back into the house and wore my little butt out for talking to a stranger.

Mom’s behavior that morning really puzzled me for years. Our town was very small, the kind where most everyone knew most everyone else and you answered adults when they spoke to you. Chances were, your parents knew those adults. I had another memory of one of my oldest sister’s friends, would have been around 14, being murdered and her body being dumped on the train tracks just down the street from us. Not what you expect in a town like ours. It was only later in life that I realized that that teen’s murder couldn’t have happened much before that afternoon when Mom spanked me for talking to a stranger. Then, I realized that murder must have been what motivated my mom that afternoon. What seemed like an overreaction to me as a kid then made sense, especially once I had kids of my own. She wasn’t overreacting. She was making sure my body wasn’t the next one dumped on the train tracks.

As I’ve pondered this memory, I realize how many lessons there are to learn from it. What our parents do when we are kids often can’t be understood by us until decades later. Sometimes kids carry such memories as wounds, only to later understand and appreciate their parents’ motivation was love and protection. Memories like this can be hijacked along the way by well or ill intentioned people who seek to tell you how our parents wronged us in the circumstance, robbing us of the eventual understanding of what was really going on and causing us to choose to wallow in bitterness and self pity along the way. Context and motivation in these situations are critical to understanding them and we don’t always have that information, or we don’t always put the puzzle pieces together properly to understand them.

I’m not sure why I’m typing this other than to put it out there. What do you now understand from your childhood that made no sense back then? What have you learned from it?

 

[np307]

I always wondered how fish had such good hearing that if me and my brother were talking on the bank they could hear us and wouldn't bite. Figured that one the first time I took a kid fishing.

 

[alpharius]

I was maybe 4 or 5 and my parents took me to some kind of festival in Norfolk Va. There was a navy corvette parked at the dock that they were letting people walk around on. They were letting kids play with the hull-mounted machine gun.

I played with it a minute or two. When I figured out how to pull the trigger there was a strange coincidental wave off in the water. I let go of the gun thinking I shot it but I looked around and none of the adults seemed to notice. The rest of the day I had an intense feeling of guilt and thought that when someone finally figured out I had shot the gun they would come and take me away.

After that occasionally I would experience bouts of guilt thinking about that gun and the strange wave.

It only dawned of me years later that there's no way I fired that gun. The strange wave I saw is still a mystery though.

 

[Red Marley]

What our parents do when we are kids often can’t be understood by us until decades later.

This is the money quote

 

[I_load_my_own]

I always wondered how fish had such good hearing that if me and my brother were talking on the bank they could hear us and wouldn't bite. Figured that one the first time I took a kid fishing.

My son still talks about how grandpa would tell him that he couldn't talk because the sound would travel down the line and scare the fish off.

 

[GymB]

Stuff piled up on dad’s workbench, and on my grandfather, I never understood why they didn’t just deal with it. Now I have a garage of my own.

 

[Crazy Carl]

I'll try to idle down my usual Debby Downer thing regarding family stuff & say there were more instances than I can count of abusive crap done by both of my parents & paternal grandmother. I used to joke that I was the heir of two long & distinguished lines of abusive po' white trash & got the hell outta Dodge as quickly as I could.

It wasn't until many years later that I was able to begin connecting some of the dots (some of those only recently) & realized that they weren't just selfish & abusive, but systematically cruel, manipulative & evil. It's one thing to think that they were themselves victims of abuse & unwittingly continuing the cycle & quite another to realize that they're absolute scumbags whose regard for others extends only as far as what they can do for them. And managed to mold both of my siblings into the same type of vile, soulless cretins.

I've had zero contact with the maternal unit or younger brother in over 11 years & my sister in almost 9. Same with the contributor of my Y chromosome & his mommy dearest for over a year now. It is extremely unlikely that I will ever see or speak with any of them again.

 

[Catfish]

It's Christmas 1977, just 9 years after the 1968 GCA was passed. I'm 8 years old, and my Dad hands me my first rifle and says "Some day They are going to try and take this from you. Don't let them do it"
My 8 year old brain couldn't even begin to understand that one, but I get it now.

 

[SnowRooster]

“Eat all your food because they’re starving kids in Africa”. Never made sense to me until I started buying groceries and realizing how much uneaten food cost.

 

[Gator]

What our parents do when we are kids often can’t be understood by us until decades later.

"This is the money quote"


I'll add to this, all that stuff you did as a kid that you thought you got away with and your parents didn't know? Once you become a parent you realize, yes, they knew.

.

 

[Gator]

Maybe veering off topic just a bit. I learned history in school just like every one else ( Class of 1972 ). I learned events I guess is what I'm trying to say. But until the History Channel came along I never really understood the timeline of all the events and how they were connected.

.

 

[BASIL]

I remember seeing three bathrooms at gas stations when I was little.
I didn't understand at that time.

 

[turkeydance]

1. sex (gross!).
2. girls (cooties!).
3. beer (yucch!).

 

[B00ger]

One that came to mind was "We'll see" being an answer. Growing up, I actually thought it meant "Maybe." But now I know it really means "Probably not, but I dont feel like arguing with you right now because you will probably pitch a fit and embarrass us all."

 

[Crazy Carl]

“Eat all your food because they’re starving kids in Africa”. Never made sense to me until I started buying groceries and realizing how much uneaten food cost.

It was India in our house. I got blasted outta my chair for offering to pack up my liver & onions & mail it to 'em.

 

[cubrock]

I'll try to idle down my usual Debby Downer thing regarding family stuff & say there were more instances than I can count of abusive crap done by both of my parents & paternal grandmother. I used to joke that I was the heir of two long & distinguished lines of abusive po' white trash & got the hell outta Dodge as quickly as I could.

It wasn't until many years later that I was able to begin connecting some of the dots (some of those only recently) & realized that they weren't just selfish & abusive, but systematically cruel, manipulative & evil. It's one thing to think that they were themselves victims of abuse & unwittingly continuing the cycle & quite another to realize that they're absolute scumbags whose regard for others extends only as far as what they can do for them. And managed to mold both of my siblings into the same type of vile, soulless cretins.

I've had zero contact with the maternal unit or younger brother in over 11 years & my sister in almost 9. Same with the contributor of my Y chromosome & his mommy dearest for over a year now. It is extremely unlikely that I will ever see or speak with any of them again.

I’m sorry you grew up that way but glad that you were able to connect the dots and not become that person yourself.

 

[GymB]

But until the History Channel came along I never really understood the timeline of all the events and how they were connected.

Off topic, but this is part of what’s wrong with education. We teach kids to memorize places and dates, we don’t give them the framework to hang it on. Hated history until I got to college.

 

[MacEntyre]

In August of 1979, when I was mate on an offshore tug, we got caught in a bad storm. We were supposed to meet a Japanese longliner and take a US Fisheries observer off. Right when we got on station, the storm hit. After three days of laying hove-to and drifting 65 miles in 45 ft seas, with the anemometer pegged off the scale at 80 knots, things finally died down to only 25 ft and 30 knots, so we jogged back to position on one engine. We met the fishing vessel and took the observer aboard.

Years later, I realized that was The Fastnet Storm. It came off the east coast of North America and crossed the Atlantic, wreaking havoc all along the way. There is a book about it, called Fastnet Force 10 - The Deadliest Storm in the History of Modern Sailing. That was when Ted Turner won the Fastnet Race, while among the other boats fifteen people died, twenty four vessels were abandoned, and five vessels sank.

 

[Red Marley]

Years later, I realized that was The Fastnet Storm. It came off the east coast of North America and crossed the Atlantic, wreaking havoc all along the way. There is a book about it, called Fastnet Force 10 - The Deadliest Storm in the History of Modern Sailing. That was when Ted Turner won the Fastnet Race, while among the other boats fifteen people died, twenty four vessels were abandoned, and five vessels sank.

Friend of mine was on Kialoa (sailboat) in that race; he wrote a book about it too. I wouldn’t have wanted to be on your tug!

 

[fieldgrade]

My father’s father died when I was three. I was named after both of them (I’m the 3rd).

But I remember grandad. Several vivid memories. All happy.
When I was with him he was always laughing, looking at me. It didn’t hurt my feelings because I was too young, and just didn’t understand. I grew up wondering why he was always laughing with/at/whatever, me.

Then I had a grandchild.

I got it.

It was joy, pride. Just pure, outright happiness.

 

[DrScaryGuy]

very few things, actually. my parents always gave me a little bit of framework to go off of. I was able to figure out a lot of stuff as long as I had some information to work with and the ability to ask a question or two.

One thing though - I didn't understand why my dad's old army buddy "uncle dale" was just a grizzled single guy living out alone in a trailer in the woods of middle michigan, living as a hunter/gatherer, using a hand pump to get ground water, and avoiding going into town.
Somewhere during college, my dad said i had been developing weird habits living on my own. I said something like "we'll i'm not living here anymore. I do what i want when i want. your buddy dale had weird habits too"
My dad said "rethink that. dale's a queer"
I about fell over with shock and said something like "bad example then. but are you sure? he's not... what most people picture as gay these days"

so him living away from people in the 80s and 90s when it was almost socially acceptable to kill gay people suddenly made a whole lot of sense. I suppose if i had asked about it when I was younger, no truth would have been withheld... but man, that all just didn't fit with my notions of the world at the time.

 

[ChickenHawk]

The amount of double entendres that you don't pick up on a kid that you do as an adult cracks me up. There was some serious stuff, but I've either blocked it out or forgotten it by now that it would take some time to remember.

 

[Crazy Carl]

I’m sorry you grew up that way but glad that you were able to connect the dots and not become that person yourself.

Thanks. I hate that certain topics or situations send me to "that place", but no amount of therapy, growth, healing, what have you, ever truly heals those kinds of wounds.

Worse, that kinda damage is so insidious that while you might break that cycle of insanity & stop being a bad person, every emotional response, every interpersonal interaction, is tainted by a lifetime of maladaptive thought processes & reactions that were required simply to survive. And tragically, it isn't the bad things you learn & survive that cause the most damage, but all the normal/good things you don't learn & experience. You might figure out how to not do the wrong things, but you'll have absolutely no idea how to do the right things.

'N that's why I never had children of my own. I remember sitting in a courtroom at the age of 6 or 7, some custody or child support BS game my mother was playing & every adult in the room, from familial adults to the attorneys & the judge, mean mugging me & I'm thinking, WTH, I'm just a kid. I realized that everything about the entire situation was just wrong to the core & swore that I'd not bring a child into this world until I could be sure it wouldn't be the hell that mine was. And by the time that moment came, it was too late.

 

[noway2]

Worse, that kinda damage is so insidious that while you might break that cycle of insanity & stop being a bad person, every emotional response, every interpersonal interaction, is tainted by a lifetime of maladaptive thought processes & reactions that were required simply to survive. And tragically, it isn't the bad things you learn & survive that cause the most damage, but all the normal/good things you don't learn & experience. You might figure out how to not do the wrong things, but you'll have absolutely no idea how to do the right things.

That is in part, because you are dealing with behaviors that were learned well before you were even able to speak. I also think this is part of why cycles of abuse tend to run in families. My deceased uncle (mother's brother) used to say that my mother is like their father, only worse and my wife and I put it as "she has mastered the tactic".

For me, it took a long time and a lot of patience from my wife to overcome many of these learned behaviors and not be like that, or behave like my mother does, but it is still easy for me to revert and do so. Get me angry or inebriated, either of which reduce one's level of control and inhibition and I can act just as narcissistic. The other aspect to it is, at least in my case I think, is that you don't develop a normal degree of empathy that others do.

We don't have children either. It just didn't happen, and we didn't pursue intervention or choose to adopt, and I have said on multiple occasions that the "family curse" ends with me.

 

[Mr. Bggs]

Thanks. I hate that certain topics or situations send me to "that place", but no amount of therapy, growth, healing, what have you, ever truly heals those kinds of wounds.

Worse, that kinda damage is so insidious that while you might break that cycle of insanity & stop being a bad person, every emotional response, every interpersonal interaction, is tainted by a lifetime of maladaptive thought processes & reactions that were required simply to survive. And tragically, it isn't the bad things you learn & survive that cause the most damage, but all the normal/good things you don't learn & experience. You might figure out how to not do the wrong things, but you'll have absolutely no idea how to do the right things.

'N that's why I never had children of my own. I remember sitting in a courtroom at the age of 6 or 7, some custody or child support BS game my mother was playing & every adult in the room, from familial adults to the attorneys & the judge, mean mugging me & I'm thinking, WTH, I'm just a kid. I realized that everything about the entire situation was just wrong to the core & swore that I'd not bring a child into this world until I could be sure it wouldn't be the hell that mine was. And by the time that moment came, it was too late.

I think it was the therapist on the sopranos who told Tony- often times, people go to what's familiar even if it's bad.

I think about that all the time. It explains many poor decisions I've made in life and i believe can be attributed to that way of thinking. The wife's story is very similar to your post and she has a bunch of the tendencies mentioned. She's in therapy and has said exactly what you did. She can analyze it, understand herself, and forgive till the cows come home, but the lasting repercussions will never leave her, not completely anyway.

 

[noway2]

I think it was the therapist on the sopranos who told Tony- often times, people go to what's familiar even if it's bad.

I honestly think we’re dealing with things learned at our mother’s knee, long before we even learn to speak.

 

[cubrock]

I honestly think we’re dealing with things learned at our mother’s knee, long before we even learn to speak.

I think some of it is learned even earlier than that. Some things we pick up in the womb.

 

[Chriselalto]

Growing up, family dinner time every night was done. I just thought that's how all people ate dinner. Never understood the importance of it when it pertains to the stability of family.

With kids. We eat every night at the table, no toys, phones or TV. My wife was an only child in a divorced home. I had 4 siblings and dinner every night.

Now I see how family's treat family time. Rush rush rush to fast food, kids eat cereal for dinner....or nothing at all. They don't get a chance to sit down and talk to their family. It's terrible.

 

[Chriselalto]

And foul language. My father told me "I bet if you stop cursing, your friends won't even notice". That and when you don't curse, your vocabulary will grow.

Now I see grown people unable to articulate themselves without cursing. They sound stupid. And a lot of times, they are. But boy, they would certainly improve themselves by not.

 

[noway2]

Growing up, family dinner time every night was done. I just thought that's how all people ate dinner. Never understood the importance of it when it pertains to the stability of family.

I understand and agree. It’s also where my grandfather, and now my mother try to make it their throne of power for nasty behavior. Guess they feel they have a captive audience or something. Meal time in my house, nobody spoke, everyone looked down at their plate and shoveled their food. When it was done, we quickly jumped up and did the dishes. The whole point seemed to be to get the ordeal over as fast as possible.

I never understood how non normal this was until well into adulthood.

 

[Pack72]

The military plane thread in Veterans Corner reminded me of times I can remember our front yard in a little town outside Grand Rapids, Michigan. We moved to NC when I was three, so the memories I have of that yard are all from that age and younger. In that thread, I reminisced about lying in the front yard on a sunny day and seeing a unique plane fly overhead. Later in childhood, I saw a picture of a P38 and realized that was the plane I saw from the front yard that afternoon.

Another time, I was sitting in the front yard on a sunny day when a man walked by on the sidewalk. The yard was a bit higher than the sidewalk and sloped down in a way that was perfect for little legs to hang over while laying back in the grass on the flatter part of the yard, so I was an easy arm’s reach from someone on the sidewalk. He started talking to me and I started talking back. Next thing I know, my mom came barreling out of the house, jerked me up by the arm, took me back into the house and wore my little butt out for talking to a stranger.

Mom’s behavior that morning really puzzled me for years. Our town was very small, the kind where most everyone knew most everyone else and you answered adults when they spoke to you. Chances were, your parents knew those adults. I had another memory of one of my oldest sister’s friends, would have been around 14, being murdered and her body being dumped on the train tracks just down the street from us. Not what you expect in a town like ours. It was only later in life that I realized that that teen’s murder couldn’t have happened much before that afternoon when Mom spanked me for talking to a stranger. Then, I realized that murder must have been what motivated my mom that afternoon. What seemed like an overreaction to me as a kid then made sense, especially once I had kids of my own. She wasn’t overreacting. She was making sure my body wasn’t the next one dumped on the train tracks.

As I’ve pondered this memory, I realize how many lessons there are to learn from it. What our parents do when we are kids often can’t be understood by us until decades later. Sometimes kids carry such memories as wounds, only to later understand and appreciate their parents’ motivation was love and protection. Memories like this can be hijacked along the way by well or ill intentioned people who seek to tell you how our parents wronged us in the circumstance, robbing us of the eventual understanding of what was really going on and causing us to choose to wallow in bitterness and self pity along the way. Context and motivation in these situations are critical to understanding them and we don’t always have that information, or we don’t always put the puzzle pieces together properly to understand them.

I’m not sure why I’m typing this other than to put it out there. What do you now understand from your childhood that made no sense back then? What have you learned from it?

I remember seeing P-38s flying over in the early-mid 1950s. Even as a child I recognized that they didn't look like other planes.