TODAY’S JOKE, Please add yours

Ronsc said:
A dog saunters into a bar and says,
“ Bartender I’d like a beer a please.”

The amazed bartender responds,
“ Wow… a talking dog, you
oughta’ be in the circus !”

Dog replies,
“ Why do they need an electrician.?”
Click to expand...
 
I thought about cleaning out my vacuum cleaner, but then I WOULD be a vacuum cleaner.

Maybe I should just sell the vacuum cleaner. Lately it’s been collecting dust.

If I do sell the vacuum, I’ll never shop for another. The new ones all suck.
 
Republicans Gather In Congress To Vote On Who Will Fail The Voters This Time
POLITICS· Jan 3, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
Article Image
 
not a Billion, only 3 Lottery jokes:

1. A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replies, "I'd take half and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy!"
He smiles and says, "I won 10 bucks on a scratch-and-win. Here's $5, let me get the door."


2. Did you hear about the new $5 million dollar Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $5 a year for a million years.

3. whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket​

i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.​

 
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
 
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin.' In the morning before Homer left the house for the field, they made love. when Homer came back from the field, they made love, and again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to back to the field and he wasn't getting much work done.

Finally, Homer went to the doctor and asked him what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot in the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.

Homer tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer went back to the doctor's office..

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, It worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come runnin.' We'd find a secluded spot, make love, and then she would go back to the house."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
 
A man walks into a bar, sees and alligator. Man says, "whoa, an alligator, that's really bad "

Bartender says, "he's a nice alligator. I'll show you, watch. Alligator open your mouth." The alligator opens his mouth. Bartender opens his fly, takes his d***, puts it inside the alligator's mouth and says, "alligator close your mouth," which the alligator does very, very smoothly.

Bartender says, "see, he's a nice alligator, you should try it."

The man says, "I don't know if I can open my mouth that wide."
 
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party this past weekend and had more than several glasses of wine. It was held at an Italian restaurant with an excellent wine list.

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before ... I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere, and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.

The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
 
Just heard this one today.

How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in South Carolina?
.
.






Because if had been invented anywhere else it would he called a teethbrush.
 
Caring Husband / Understanding Wife

“Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman’s life. Tragically, I’ve never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I’ll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, “Be positive, be positive!”
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others!”
 
Son comes home after curfew.
Dad: Where have you been?
Son: I was with Lisa.
Dad: Doing what?
Son (grabbing snack off of counter): We were studying for the history test. By the way, these salmon cakes are really good.
Dad: Go wash your hands. Those are donuts.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom