After 20 years, wife wants separation...

AR10ShooterinNC

AR10ShooterinNC

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After 20 years, my wife said, she is not in love with me anymore, but still loves me....I don't get that....out of the blue, we went the beach over fathers day, had a great weekend, for my B-day in Aug a fun weekend, then our 20th anniversary in Sep, was a good weekend, 7 days after that she wants me to leave.....God this sucks, I'm spending my first night in my new rented house. Spend Friday and today moving my stuff out. We have 1 daughter that is in her 2 year of college, our son is in 11th grade....Starting over at 50 is going to be interesting.
 
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Holy crap man, I have no words except to say I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't know if your man of faith but I will definitely pray for you. That really sucks, and honestly I can't in any way justify anyone's actions here, nor is it my job. But as a community we are here for you.
 
Sorry to hear that, it really does suck what you are going through. Time to plink a few rounds and relax, tomorrow is another day and maybe you will find a mid 20's something to take your mind of of things

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Sorry man. Tough.
 
Sorry to hear this.
 
If you’re like most men/women in your position that has spent twenty plus years being a good partner and the other wishes to cut bait thank the Lord above and move on to your new life. A life that rewards those that make earnest efforts, not one that has you being the floor mat at someone’s beckoning. Understand you are the one of worth and place yourself, your decisions first for a change. Bet you fare better and if you do ever enter another
partnership/marriage do so not for love foremost but for you as a person. Look after yourself first and foremost, you are worth it.....now repeat after me....I am worth it!
 
I'm very sorry to hear this.
Lean on your family and friends if you need support. People change, and good thing is you're still young. Not a lot of comfort in that right now, though.
And as someone else said, go to the range, that usually makes me feel better!
 
Sorry to hear this. My brother is going through the same right now.
 
Don’t know all the details but I’d suggest you protect some things fast. To start move all your guns out fast before she can “inventory them” ... my 1st wife had my stuff valued by an “appraiser” who went retail plus 50% so I got screwed. Also close joint credit cards or lines ... if you’re still on them you’re responsible. Any mortgage, car loan etc needs to be defined. Change insurance coverages ... home and auto to reflect new coverage AND CHANGE LIFE INSURANCE BENEFICIARIES TO TRUSTS FOR YOUR KIDS! There are quite a few other things but these are some to start with.

Next lawyer up and don’t think you know best ... you’re paying him or her so listen to the professional. Any notes, emails, texts, voicemails, etc should be saved no matter how innocent they seem.

Pull hard copies of banking, credit card, etc records ... plus cell phone records for the past year and keep them in a file just in case. You never know what they could show ... another man to pre-planning this for months.
 
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Button Pusher said:
Never leave it's your house too.
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We have prenup....break up of assets is easy, she doesn't want to fight, the house will be sold 6 months after my son graduates High School. No pay out to each other, we each keep our 401K and retirements, split money in joint accounts. I have already moved my guns and other toys to the new place.
 
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Sorry to hear that.
Went through the same thing last year. Recently finalized the divorce.
It's gonna be hard but it does get better. Find a buddy who you can talk to and vent your frustration.
Wish the best for you man.
 
I am sorry you're going through this. I did at 24 years also.

As mentioned, you did not have to leave that house!

When all was done, I was far better off financially than I expected.

protect yourself, be aggressive, and DO NOT let emotion cloud your judgement!
 
Have a good lawyer help you get this finished. Looks like you're in good position with the prenup.
 
My first was like this too. One day everything is cool the next I get the “I want a divorce”.
Another person was involved. I never new it and it was a blind side hit when it came to light.

Don’t know if it matters to you but I’d bet money on it, someone is there to pick up the pieces.

Hate it for you cuz it sucks hard.

Oh and I got the “I don’t want anything” bs too.
Took a long time to recover. Mentally and monetarily. And believe it or not some of the damage never goes away.
 
I hired an attorney mid October, 10K retainer, She hired her own attorney, we have a separation agreement, that will basically become the divorce.
 
AR10ShooterinNC said:
We have prenup....break up of assets is easy, she doesn't want to fight, the house will be sold 6 months after my son graduates High School. No pay out to each other, we each keep our 401K and retirements, split money in joint accounts. I have already moved my guns and other toys to the new place.
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IF this plays out like This....you'll be one lucky Man!!!
 
AR10ShooterinNC said:
We have prenup....break up of assets is easy, she doesn't want to fight, the house will be sold 6 months after my son graduates High School. No pay out to each other, we each keep our 401K and retirements, split money in joint accounts. I have already moved my guns and other toys to the new place.
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But she is the one that wanted out, I would have made her get out and stayed in the house myself until that 6 months after graduation thing.
 
Sorry to hear this. Sometimes bad crap happens to good people. Hold your chin up and don’t dwell on what if’s. Make you and your kids happy.
 
I'm not in your situation and can't say what you should have done. I only know what I would do. Stay in my house.

Sorry about your circumstances.
 
I worked with a woman that had this deal with her husband: "whoever wants to leave first has to take the kids." So what does he do? He dies on her.

For the OP. Start digging. Women do not do this out of the blue. There is another person that is not known. Get copies of all cell phone calls and text messages if you can. Look at her social media if you can. Believe me your lawyer will find it. Be prepared for what if. What if she wants to come back.

Lastly the kids. She is their mom. Don't disparage her to them. Do not let them tell you stuff. They need to know this. Your relationship is with the kids, not her through the kids. Keep it positive for them. You are dad. They will need you for the rest of their life if you want them in your life.

Myself, I am a step parent. When I said "I do," I took the entire package. The woman and three kids. By doing this I got walked on some by the youngest. They all talk to their dad on occasion. The youngest told me "You marrying mom was the best thing that ever happened to us." She told me this twenty something years later. Best thing she ever said to me.

Lastly you. Take a breath. The next year or two is going to be a minefield. Expect that someone is watching you. I would bet that her lawyer will try. Keep social media to a minimum. Get another cell phone. Suspect any text messages from her. She may try to get you to blow up and present it as evidence against you. Just treat the family line a a recorded line. If responding, think twice before replying. Once you hit send, its on the record. If she wants to know why so long to respond "sorry I was asleep" is a perfect answer.

Lastly. No matter how tempting it is to date during this time, DON'T. Wait until the divorce is final. This way there is nothing for her to pin on you. It's all her. Let her wear it all.

Lastly to all. My brother asked my mother this question. "When do you know if your marriage is successful?" Her answer. "When either one of you has died." I'm sad to say that in the last 2 years he has separated from his wife. Hang tough guys. It ain't over till it's finished.


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First, without question, that sucks!

Second, my mother left my father a week before his 50th birthday and took all 5 kids.
But, all five of us continued to have a close relationship with him for the rest of his life.
Stay close to your kids. They still need and want you, regardless of what she has chosen.

Third, You're gonna hurt, there's no way around that. But, you're gonna get through this.
If you can, get a change of scenery. Take a weekend off, Go to the mountains or the coast, or anywhere that looks different from home.
And, if we can help, lean on us.
Prayin' for you, Brother.
 
I have had several friends that have gone through this. One was after 35 years of marriage.

Edited to add that what I have noticed with long time marriage divorces is that there seems to be a birds of a feather syndrome. What I mean is that one female friend gets divorced. In an effort to justify what she did she is always in her friends ears telling them how great her life is now. How free she is. Etc. Then the next one gets divorced.

I won’t speculate on the reason she decided this. There are hundreds of possibilities from exactly what she said to things that would hurt you even more than you already are.

The only thing I can offer in the way of advice is to go grab a beer with a friend every now and then as you go through this who really is interested when he asks you how it’s going. I’ve been that friend a few times.

And keep a sense of humor about it. A little levity will help you out more than anything else.
 
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Hate it for you, bud.

I also hate to tell you the "I love you but I'm not in love" speech almost always means there is someone else. Something may have happened, maybe not, but she likely has someone in mind.

I'll hold a good thought for you.

Find a good friend and unload. It'll keep you sane.
 
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Grits said:
Lastly you. Take a breath. The next year or two is going to be a minefield. Expect that someone is watching you. I would bet that her lawyer will try. Keep social media to a minimum. Get another cell phone. Suspect any text messages from her. She may try to get you to blow up and present it as evidence against you. Just treat the family line a a recorded line. If responding, think twice before replying. Once you hit send, its on the record. If she wants to know why so long to respond "sorry I was asleep" is a perfect answer.
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The cellphone thing is smart ... especially since her name won’t be on the plan and can’t call and get account info. Along the line ... at least change all your passwords and security questions on email and such accounts along with any other secured thing. Change them to something crazy she’d never be able to guess ... favorite powder and gun interwoven works good ... T1i9t1e1group for example.

As stated above once you hit send it’s on the record ... same for Post It’s, emails, letters etc ... even convers in front of a 3rd party ... so leave anything out side of discussion of the weather to your attorney. Even better do not meet her alone ... never know what can be made of somethin.

The less info you volunteer or “give” her the less she could possibly use if she gets mean.
 
I'm not social media type guy, do not post much of my personnel stuff on line. I use facebook for my hobby groups, Twiiter is just about all gun stuff, I retweet a lot. End of the month, I will pay off my phone and move it to my own account. I'm playing this just like my attorney has recommended. I have blocked her number from calling or texting me, I told her email only. I plan to keep my distance, and go through my attorney for dealing with her. I have changed all the passwords on my separate accounts, I have an iphone, so I changed the phones pass code and my itunes account. I have all my computers with me. Just trying to keep my head down for the next year.
 
That is a kick in crotch. I am sorry to hear this. Keep your head up. Take care of you kids and carve out a new happiness.
 
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