Love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one ... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ... good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well ... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!â€
AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Medical misunderstandings
1. A man comes into the ER and yells... ‘
My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall...
‘Big breaths, ‘ ... I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be, ‘ ... Replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had
Died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered...
‘ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
5. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams ... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
And further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...
‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...
‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was...
‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Dr. Wouldn’t submit his name...
1 MORE:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied...
‘Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
I know, ‘ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,
But I’m glad I cameâ€.
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A retiree arrives at the clinic for his annual physical. When he checks in, he learns that the physician that had been treating him for many years had been called away for a personal emergency. The clinic assigned a young doctor who had just joined the practice to conduct the physical.
When the old man goes in to see the doctor, the young doctor greets him with “Hello Mr. Smith. How can I help you? What is your complaint?â€
The old man replies, “I have no complaint. I am in excellent health. I am here for my annual physical.â€
The young doctor apologizes saying, “I did not intend to insult you, sir. It is just that most of my patients your age have some problems to be treated.â€
The old man reiterates his assertion regarding his good health and the doctor tells him that he will conduct the physical exam after completing a medical history check list. The doctor reads the questions on the history form and checks the answers until about the middle of the form. At that point the young doctor asks the old man,
“Tell me, how old was your father when he died?â€
The old man answers, “I did not tell you that my father had passed away. He is 96 years old and in excellent health just as I am.â€
The young doctor is flustered and responds, “I am sorry; I did not mean to insult your father. It is just that most of my patients your age have already lost their parents.â€
“I am happy to tell you that my father is doing very well,†said the old man.
“Excellent!†said the young doctor, “But in that case how old was your grandfather when he died?â€
The old man replied, “I did not tell you that my grandfather had died. He is in excellent health just as my father and I are. As a matter of fact, just last week he married a young woman 25 years old.â€
With this reply the young doctor has had it. He throws his hands in the air and exclaims loudly,
“Why on earth would a man that old want to marry a woman that young?â€
The old man replies with a grin, “I didn’t tell you that my grandfather wanted to get married.â€